Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

How I’d get arrested…

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me