Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
thanks auntie mary
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
#winning
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.