Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.