Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*