Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview