Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.