Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Word.

~ Microsoft.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

2 years later

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

john wicks are toilet candles

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.