Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident