Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

We’ve all been there…

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).