me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Fidel Castro was alive?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Lmao
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.