Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but that was my emotional support daylight

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Science memes

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.