Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

“and how does that make you feel?”

💀💀

I think we should hear other voices.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man