Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.