Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Simple enough.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair