Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.