Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Bike is short for Bichael.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty