Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You Might Also Like
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.