Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”