Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Do not steal food from the science building!
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people