Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.

Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*