me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
How dude HOW?!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks