Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help