Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.