Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

Dumple

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

LOOOOOOL

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.