Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*