Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close