Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
trivia
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
just witnessed a drug deal
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly