Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
accurate
Not today.. 😂
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle