Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

What.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Wait a second…

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?