Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You Might Also Like
The opposite of goth is stopth.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.