ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
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As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Multitask? I can barely unitask
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking