Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

everyone’s a critic

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

Why I divorced her.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

The human personality is made of five key elements

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger