Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.