Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

My god she’s good.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.