Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.