me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
January has been Januweary
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.