me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
#titanic
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”