me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
My last name is Zilla.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop