Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Simple

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

💀💀