me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan![]()
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.