Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.