Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

The Birdles

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free