me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m hunting wabbits…
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I just tested negative for patience.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Why do meteors always land in craters?