me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Always the camel, never the toe.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Lassie, get help!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
The legends were true
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.