Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?