Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”