Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?