me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.