Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”