me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral