Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together