Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.