me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.