ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.