Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”

Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know