Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.