Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
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Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.