Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.