Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Was it something I said?

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?