Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them