Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.