Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
normalize having existential bread
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
no their not
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Don’t tell me what to do
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week