Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

those birds must be on payroll

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”