Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
How is it still this week?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you