Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

The little toadstool has spoken.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.