Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I’ve had relationships like this
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.