Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Fat chances are my favorite chances

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.