me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
You Might Also Like
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me