Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.