Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler