People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs