@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

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@withanewname

Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”

@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

@pilau

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@CornOnTheGoblin

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

@LackOfShame

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

@RiotGrlErin

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

@OakHill_

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler