me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
bros in the example zone 😭
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Good Morning.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
That 👊
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks