me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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opening twitter today
My loaf of bread looks terrified
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Animal poetry
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.